There are several topics that I always try to stay away from. Religion, Politics, and Relationships. I try not to post about these, as it can become a sore point for all involved. However, as the amount of relationship idiocy spreads, I believe that something must be said. This post is written mainly for women. Mainly because I tend to have more female friends than male, but that being said – it will probably have some applications for the males out there. I’ll let them share their own opinions with you.
I want to share why I’m qualified to write this. I’ve been through my share of relationships. I’ve been married and divorced. I remarried. Having said all this, you might be asking why you should listen to someone who has been through 1 marriage and is into her second. That’s fair. Here’s my say – My first marriage lasted 7 years, I did everything I could to keep it going. It ended due to insolvable differences, but this isn’t about that. My point is – I tried hard and I learned a lot from each one.
I’m going to share what I have learned with you. Everyone wants to believe that their relationships are healthy. They have the perfect relationship and its’ true love.
- They lie. Now please don’t misunderstand me – everyone lies. I would love to say that it isn’t unnatural. It is not right. They shouldn’t be lying to you, but it does happen. What I mean is that if they lie to you about something once, you talk to them about it, then it shouldn’t happen again. When it happens again – that’s when you want to be careful. Lies that are continuous are a sign of a mentality, a predisposition if you will. Allow me to be clear – one time can be considered inadvertent, meaning not on purpose; two is an accident – forgetfulness; anything that happens 3 or more times – leave. They have a habit that they aren’t willing to kick.
- They take. This can come in many forms. Sometimes its them taking many things like your time or your money. Sometimes it’s them draining your emotions. Here’s a question – do you feel constantly supported? Or do you always walk away feeling like you gave 100% and they didn’t do anything for you? That is called draining. I had a friend who gave 100% to her relationship. The SO (Significant Other) never invested back unless it was to simply get her to stay. This isn’t healthy and giving it more time isn’t going to change anything.
- Your other relationships change. Now again – change is normal. Sometimes relationships simply fade away. You grow out of it or they move away. However, when you start losing friends like flies getting swatted out of the air, you should start wondering why that is. When relationships start disappearing – it’s typically a sign that this person is holding you back. They are keeping you from having those other friends that you need. When all your friends start telling you that something isn’t right. There is a problem. Sometimes it’s hard to see when we are living the moment. But, let me tell you – those butterflies won’t last forever and when they leave – you may be stuck with something you don’t like.
- No one wants to be around both of you. This sounds harsh but the reality is with new relationships – many times, your friends will feel like a third wheel. This doesn’t mean they need a relationship. What it does mean is that you need to lay off the PDA (Public Displays of Affection). I mean come on – that couple that makes out in the subway or the ones that take up extra room on the booth side of the table so they can have their hands all over each other – yuck! Get a room. Even married couples get disgusted by it. We all feel that way but keep it private please. My point is, when your friends only want to be around you without him, or him without you – that’s a sign that this relationship is codependent and unhealthy for you.
- You are constantly defending them. “Oh, but he’s going to change”. It’s my favorite line to hear. I swear I always have to cover my eyes before they pop out of my head and roll down the street. Let me tell you a little-known secret. He’s NOT going to change. Telling yourself that and others just makes you the laughingstock of the town. No one changes unless they want to and unless you see action on it – don’t believe the lie. It’s a waste of your time and energy. PS – No one changes on their own without help – that’s a lie too.
Look here’s what I’m getting at – People and relationships are complicated enough. You don’t have to be a mastermind to figure them out, but you do need to be equipped with some commonsense and some will power to learn. If you think that the relationship isn’t right – ask a friend. If you are unsure if you should marry someone – DON’T. That whole line about “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends” from The Spice Girls, Yeah, they were really on to something. You can sit here and lie to yourself, but you will end up miserable and lonely. Remember it’s better to want what you don’t have than have what you don’t want – I promise.
Have a thought? Share it below!